


Recover to this

by purplefox



Category: Persona 3, Persona Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 06:37:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15261564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplefox/pseuds/purplefox
Summary: How on earth is he supposed to feel about almost losing him?





	Recover to this

It was weird how they had gotten here. It was weird how he was here and how things really weren’t okay but they were at the same time. All he had wanted was for his friend to be safe and he guessed in the end that he had gotten that wish granted.

Except he had been running after Shinji this entire time and trying to talk to the idiot but where had that gotten him? He still had cared and Shinji had pushed him away but it was obvious that he still cared too. Who ran to someone after hearing they got injured?

Shinji had been pushing him away over and over for so long it had been frustrating. It had felt as though he was slipping through his fingers and no matter how fast he moved he could not snag him or go for a better grip. He had just eluded him.

For some time it had even felt as though he had lost him forever and Akihito had felt as though the world was ending. It had been hard to keep going, put one foot in front of the other for the mission they had taken on for themselves.

He had done it anyway even while he had felt as though his insides were being assaulted with needles. How had he done it he did not know. He really did not know even now how he had kept walking forward.

If he had to confess something it would be that Minato had helped more than he knew. He had given more than an ear he had understood where Akihiko had been coming from. He had given flame to the hope.

He had really needed that especially coming down to the end. Shinji had just kept walking away and there was only so much that Akihiko could do towards that. He had feared putting words to his feelings, putting words to the fears that lurked deep within him.

Shinjiro had been walking straight towards death and maybe deep inside Akihiko had sensed that. He did not want that to be true but he had been attuned to Shinjiro for so long maybe he had tapped into that and had shielded himself from that truth as well.

Maybe he had been protecting himself longer than he thought because when he looked back so many things were obvious and Shinji’s walk towards destruction had not exactly been subtle when it came down to it.

Explosions were more subtle but maybe Akihiko had been so wrapped up in protecting himself from the disaster that he could see coming. So wrapped up in staying alive and coping with the madness that surrounded them that he could not help looking away.

He could be forgiven for looking away though. He could be forgive for that because how often had his head gotten his feet moving before rational thought hit? When Shinji had been running and acting so blasé to it all.

He had wanted to shake him until common sense came flying out. He had wanted to pull him closer and knock their foreheads together until common sense got knocked into Shinji’s skull. He had been aching for the blood boiling in his veins to be put to use but that was not all of it.

Maybe Shinji had sensed it too the thing they had not spoken of. There had been good warm times between them when everything was good. Shinji had been a home to him, everything his hands touched healed and became warm.

He protected and comforted. That it had been Shinji that had lost control like that. It was the worst nightmare because of all people he was the person the least adequate to deal with it. Anyone would feel guilt, anyone would feel awful but Shinjiro had been destroyed by his actions.

Even though it had not been his fault in the end. It really had not been but for Shinji there was no way to fix thing. Akihito was not going to pretend to understand everything Shinji and Ken had gone through. The bond between them had started in death and betrayal.

Shinji had been willing to throw his life away to the kid, for the kid. Akihiko could understand the action behind the insanity. He had not approved, hell hadn’t he spent all those weeks trying to stop Shinji from doing something stupider than usual?

But he had been too late and Shinji had been accepting of the fate before him. He had welcomed it and that had shattered Akihito. To see Shinji so welcoming and accepting of death. That he was willing to give his life to Ken and end everything right then.

He knew it had been painful for Shinjiro to bear but that moment was when he fully understood the burden that Shinji had to be under. That he thought the right way was for his heart to stop forever. That he thought the only way to make amends was to end his own life.

Even now he could not manage to express how fucked up he was over Shinji’s thoughts.

He had wanted to be selfish in those moments. He had wanted to talk about their own journey. His moments with Shinjiro that he had wanted to continue. The future together that they had been hinting towards before things had gotten real.

There had been that moment at the mall he had wanted to repeat that kiss in the classroom and demand if it really meant nothing to Shinji at all. He had not because it was not the place for that and he really had not wanted to be rejected.

Shinji had been the one to kiss him first. Robbed him of breath with the first kiss. Nearly pushed him through the blinds in the classroom with the second. Akihiko had only been able to stare in shock. They had not said anything and all too soon Shinji had grinned and disappeared from the classroom.

Akihiko had walked into several walls as he tried to wrap his head around it but seeing Shinji around had only increased it until the madness of their life had him settling back into the routine again. They had never gotten to speak about it but it had been so natural.

They had never spoken it out loud but they had both known what it was, love. It had been so natural and slow that it just seemed right.

He regretted never saying anything. He regretted never pushing forward. He regretted letting it develop alongside their crazy lives and their insane mission. He regretted that all because If he had just grabbed onto that with his hands maybe it would not have gone down like it had.

With Shinji in his arms, his blood all over them both in the ground maybe if he had grabbed onto them with both hands it would not have turned out the way it had. The fear and despair that had grabbed onto him in that moment.

The regrets that had filled him along with the fear when Shinji had smiled at him as he bled out. That feeling of loss and hopelessness that had consumed him scared him. It terrified him.

All he could think about was what would happen if he lost Shinjiro in that moment. Even Ken had been devasted and he had been glad distantly that the kid’s eyes had opened but he had been dealing with Shinji in his arms.

If it had not been for Minato, Akihiko would be facing an entirely different present and one he was not willing to think about currently. One that would stay in the far corners of what if. It was bad enough that he had come face to face with something like that. He needed time to rest from that.

Time for his heart to slow down, time for him to realize that nothing bad was going to happen for a long time. That Shinjiro was fine. Akihiko squeezed the hand in his as he moved his chair closer to the hospital bed. They were not fine but they were going to get there.

He was not going to be pushed away again. This time he was going to run harder, talk more and push harder. He was going to grab onto them with everything he had and fight for them because just the thought of losing them made him breathless. He could not handle that.

He sighed softly and inhaled the smell of the room. It was that hospital smell but it was to be expected after all those surgeries. Akihiko was pissed about Shinji taking the bullet but that was the kind of idiot he had fallen in love with. He understood Shinji’s thoughts too. Just there had been ways damn it, Shinji did not have to pick the most suicidal one.

Recovery was going to take a while. They had started filtering the stuff from Shinji’s system and the doctors said it was going well but Akihito was taking that with a grain of salt. Until everything was fine he would be holding his breath.

They had been through so much shit, they could do with some good signs. The hand in his twitched and his head came up from the bed so he could stare at Shinji’s face. He watched Shinji’s eyes twitch and his mouth open and close a few times all while he tried his best to keep his hands limp instead of squeeze them tightly.

He waited with his entire body trembling as Shinjiro sighed and his eyes slowly opened. His vision blurred as he stood half out his chair to lean over the bed as Shinjiro’s head turned on the pillow his eyes dazed but searching.

His smile when their eyes met was a balm to his heart and Akihito could not to choose what to do. He wanted to kiss Shinjis hand. He wanted to sit and cry, he wanted to leap up and he wanted to lean over Shinji and shake him for looking so happy and confident after everything he had put them through.

“A-ki.” Shinji’s voice actually made him flinch. He let go of his hand and hopped over to the fridge and the cup they had there filled with ice chips for just in case. He was back quickly and after a moment of hesitation and a moment of shoving Shinji’s weak attempts of doing it himself, Akihiko placed the first chip in Shinji’s mouth.

“Take it slow.” He scolded when he saw Shinji trying to roll the ice. “Why am I the one telling you that? You should know that.”

“Aki.” Shini’s smile should not be so bright. It was painful and it was everything that he had been waiting for. “I just knew you would be the first thing I saw.” Akihito’s hands shook at his slow raspy words. “The last thing I saw, the first thing I see. Once it is you I’m content. Once it is you.” He paused and a soft cough escaped. “Always want to see you.”

“You.” Akihito felt his voice tremble. “You have any idea what you put me through? I never wanted to lose you. Not you, not your friendship. Not a single part of you I’m that selfish.” His breaths were loud in the room. “How could you think I wanted that in any way? To lose you and you barely let me have you.”

“I’m sorry.” It rankled that Akihito could see that he meant it. “But I didn’t want to drag you down to where I was and I didn’t want you to get involved in the rest of it. Pushing you away was selfish of me.” His hand trembled as he forced it to cup Akihito’s cheek. “But I didn’t want you dyed in those colours.”

“You didn’t even ask me.” Shinji’s hand was cold and a bit limp, Akihito supported it while he retook his seat. “All I wanted-“

“All I needed was you safe and to fix my wrongs.” Shinji’s eyes slowly slid shut as his smile grew. “I’m selfish too, the right thing to do would have been to push you away until the end but I just really couldn’t. When it comes to you… I can’t do the things I think I should.”

“I wish that was true.” Akihiko smiled. “I really wish it was true because then I wouldn’t have all this worry in my heart. How are you feeling?” He finished softly. “What do you want to do?”

“How’s the kid?” Shinji’s eyes looked a little dark. “How’s he doing?”

“I swear.” Akihiko bit off. “You’ll never change. Ken’s fine, he’s finding his own way and you see those overwatered flowers over there?” He pointed to the far side of the room. “That’s from him.”

“He’s a good kid.” Shinji sighed as he shifted in the bed. “Say Aki come closer.”

“You’re not going to answer me?” Akihiko grumbled even as he got to his feet so he could lean over Shinji. “What is it.”

He should have seen it coming, even as weak as he was Shinji had tells. Hell, because of how weak he was Akihiko should have seen it coming but he melted into the touch to his face anyway. He went greedily along with the kiss until they both pulled away gasping for breath. “I think I’ll be fine.” Shinji smiled.


End file.
